Too little of something and too little of nothing – Nebojša Jovanović

Parenting is a very complex process that doesn’t really come with a precise recipe. Whatever we did, we would surely mess things up. More or less, this way or another we would mess up. We would mess up too little or too much because it is hard to find balance.

Different ages, different attitudes… different kids, again different attitudes, satisfying or not satisfying a child’s needs.

‘Is it better to comply with their wishes all the time or not… ‘, parents ask themselves.

‘It depends… ‘, wise psychologists would say.

‘What does it depend on, when, how much…? ‘, confused parents would ask,

‘on age, child’s abilities… ‘, again, a wise counsellor would say…

‘Well, is there a table, a recipe, norms… ‘, parents would say yearning for more solid knowledge…

‘Well, you need to know your child, their development needs and abilities… A child needs optimal frustration, not to be traumatised and not to be spoiled’.

‘And how many grams of frustration of child’s needs are optimal at a certain age, pardon me!? ‘.

‘Well, it depends… ‘.

Something always depends on something else and by the time you realize what depends on what, your children have already grown up, more or less the way you didn’t want them to (However, this knowledge can serve as a do over when we become grand-parents, ‘not to throw it away’.) Then, psychotherapists would make things right. We need something to live of (we psychotherapists, not us parents). I ‘sit on the fence ‘.

Yes, there is a danger of a trauma, frustrating a child’s need to the extent that it seems like a trauma, hardly bearable. Another danger is ‘fixation’, exaggerated fulfillment of a child’s need that a child clings to – gets fixated to that stage of development (for example, ‘they expect, as a baby, to have everything handed on a silver plate, without making any effort… ‘).

What does this lead to? Feeling traumatised and fixated they will avoid not having their needs satisfied in any way possible, convulsively. Or they will avoid any situation where they could be frustrated or they will apply all sorts of manipulation to influence others to satisfy their need at all costs.

I haven’t given you a recipe (because I don’t know it). You will surely make mistakes and you should make peace with it so that your parenting wouldn’t become a trauma. Develop ‘sense of hearing’ for your children as if they were string on a guitar. Don’t strain them so they wouldn’t break, don’t loosen them too much so they wouldn’t be out of tone. Not a single recipe can replace that ‘sense of hearing’.

Translated by Jelena

Parent is there so that children would love life Fathers and eternal boys